Must I Teach Dance?
I have strangely come across a lot of death.
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Dear Shaun,
Recently an acquaintance of mine from high school had their father die. It wasn’t sudden, he lived a good life, but this acquaintance was having a hard time. No judgement! I was empathizing. I knew they were having a hard time because I saw them at the supermarket just days after it had happened. We talked and they cried on my shoulder when we hugged. I felt so awful, and told them that if there was anything they needed all they had to do was reach out.
About a week later I got an email from this acquaintance. They apologized for the email, but they didn’t save my number. In it they talked about how hard grief was and how much they still had to say to their dad. They then said that their therapist suggested doing an activity to not dwell as much. They had always wanted to take dance lessons and they remembered I had taken dance classes right through high school. They asked if we could meet up and I teach them how to dance.
I haven’t danced in years. I’m over 40 and sure I’ll dance at a wedding or in my kitchen. But I haven’t done the discipline of dance in 20-something years. Do I have to teach this person dance? Or is my guilty conscience getting the best of me?
-Dancing Dilemma
Dear Dancing Dilemma,
Grief is a wild beast. I have strangely come across a lot of death. I have responded to it in many different ways. I have done all of the steps of grief. Not in any order and I’d say acceptance is the hardest one. Who is to say if I have even fully accepted these deaths? In response to sudden or even creeping death I have dated someone long-term, been arrested for vandalism, wrote and produced a successful play, bought a 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot, developed insomnia, and listened to all of REM’s discography on repeat for an entire year. The effect someone has on your life can be significant.
It can also make you think you want things. Or have a mini manic episode and think this is the giant band-aid that will solve all the horrible feelings you’ve got bottled inside you. All of the failed kiss attempts, the late-night texts, the failed band ideas, the bar tabs, and mean things I’ve written on social media—thinking that all of those things will somehow cure the cruelness of our existence are countless. I say, no matter where this person grieving stands, you got to teach her to dance. It is imperative you teach them dance. Grief makes you do weird things and you really need the people to “yes, and” your coping mechanisms.
I mean obviously to a point. If someone asks you to avenge a death you gotta play that one down. Don’t give into those whims. But pretty much everything else is fair game, including private dance lessons.
You must be severely aware that this is similar to “Silver Linings Playbook.” With that story it is a divorce, but loss is loss and art imitates life, sometimes eye-rollingly so. You two must dance. “But Shaun, I don’t have a dance studio.” You don’t need one. Clear some space in your living room, or go to a public park, or reserve a racquetball court for an hour. You can make it work. I’m sure you used a bunch of leftover veggies and cheeses in your fridge and made a pasta you tolerated. You can put together six classes for your estranged friend. Especially at your age, most of the class is just going to be stretching anyways. Then what? You got 30 minutes of foot positions? That’s the first class, I’m writing your syllabus for you!
I’m not saying you should be Bob Fosse or Kevin Federline. I’m just suggesting that maybe what this person really wants is some companionship and to break a sweat. So they didn’t ask you to play pickleball, so what? They asked you to teach them to dance. That’s great. I bet there is a part of you, and please excuse my inferring, that misses all the dancing you did in your youth. Maybe you’ll fall back in love with it! Maybe you’ll start dancing again! Maybe you’ll start a dancing duo that goes on America’s Got Talent. Maybe you’ll call yourselves “Pre-Menopausal Movers” and Howie Mandel will give you a thumbs up and laugh at your group name. Or maybe you’ll just help a person out and help them shake out their weird feelings for a bit. Would that be so bad?
NEWS
This week I have got some fun shows! Tonight WOOtenanny is producing a Stand Up Comedy Fundraiser for District 2 Candidate Rob Bilotta. It is at Ralph’s and it is at 6 p.m. Flyer is below. Also I am at The Post Office Pub in Grafton Saturday. Tickets for that show are running low, so scoop up some now here! Thanks everyone!
