Not the step dog dad
I'm the dog dad that stepped up
Bill here real quick! Merch orders help us sustain the four regular columns (like this one) and a podcast that make up the Worcester Sucks project. Just like being in a band, merch sales are one of the last remaining ways to make money when you’re an independent local journalism outfit in these rotten hollowed-out times. We have a bunch of the Eye of Sauron longsleeves restocked and other good stuff in there!
Dear Shaun,
Should we get a dog? I’ve never owned a dog before (father was scared of them, mother didn’t trust us kids). I did once have a fish in college and kept it alive longer than I expected! My partner and two sons really are pushing me hard to get a dog. It took me a while to adjust to sharing a home with my partner. It took me time to adjust to sharing it with two screaming kids. Those three I can communicate and relate to. I have no idea how to relate or communicate to a dog. Those reasons alone make me want to say no and disappoint my family. What should I do?
-Dog Distressed
Dear Dog Distressed,
I have two dogs. I had no say in the matter. The love of my life had two dogs and when she proposed to me (relax, it’s the 90s) I had to agree to take those dogs in too. I am now the sole care giver for these two dogs. Mind you, my wife and I are still happily married. Slowly but surely, all of the responsibilities fell to me. I walk them two miles each day, I feed them, I buy their snacks, I take them to the vet. I shopped around for the best groomers in town to trim their little claws: shout out Fuzzy Pants Pet Stop.1
I’m not the step dog dad, I’m the dog dad that stepped up.
Now despite all this attention and care they reject me. The older of the two is like a duckling who has imprinted onto my wife. She follows her everywhere, even if that means into oncoming traffic. She only acknowledges me to go on a walk because she likes those. It’s like nodding to the bus driver every day. Sure, you see them each and every day and they are helping you out immensely. But they have their job and you are hungover en route to work.
The younger of them thinks that he is married to my wife, I’m sure of it. He thinks I am a pet. I am the dog. He takes me for a walk, he comes in and makes sure I am going to the bathroom. For the most part though, he is policing me. He barks at me when I kiss her, when I hug her, when I dance with her, when I laugh too loudly at a joke she has made. If I ignore his barks, he nips me. Every single goddamn night he waits under my side of the bed. After I’ve washed up and got my pajamas on, he waits. As I get into bed jumps up from underneath and bites my feet. Every. Single. Night.
In my wedding vows I swore that I would kill those two dogs, you can verify this with my wife. Now, that was a funny thing to say, in vows that were full of jokes from the both of us. Our “reading” for the wedding was a Top 10 Reasons We Should Get Married written by a panel of our closest comedy friends. But, I understand it is not good to kill dogs and I also do not to kill these two despite their flaws that I’ve laid out to you.
You should get the dog. It can’t be worse than what I’ve got going on, unless you get a Cujo. And in that case, sell the rights! You’ll be a millionaire!
NEWS
On Thursday I will be at The Square Root in Roslindale. I helped start that show six years ago, and it has flourished and become a mainstay of that silly little Boston neighborhood. The show is at 7 p.m..
Then I leave for New Orleans for the New Orleans Hot Dog Safari. That’s right—we’re franchising! I will be at the incredible new comedy club there called Sports Drink featuring for Luke Null of SNL fame.
Thanks as always for reading.
Shaun’s Bad Advice is one of four regular columns (and a podcast) that make up the overall Worcester Sucks project! We couldn’t do it without those of you who chip in monthly or yearly. If that’s you, thank you! If not help us out with a paid subscription if you can swing it!
And don’t forget about the merch store!
Thank you I did my taxes and woooof. —Bill
Editor’s note: not a paid promotion of Fuzzy Pants Pet Stop… not yet at least… HMU Fuzzy Pants.