The Worcester Sucks crew has been busting ass this week frankly so it’d be nice to see some new paid subs or tippers!
And remember to go vote Tuesday it takes like 5 minutes and the first 300 words of this guide give you all you need to know and every single vote is going to count. —Bill
Horrorscopes
Hey all, I love doing these Horroscopes for you. I get so much wonderful feedback from you about how much you enjoy reading them. You know I take this very seriously and I am always doing them with the utmost accuracy. Which is why I wanted to inform you of some alarming news I read recently in the failing New York Times. Apparently, all of our Astrological Signs are 2,000 years out of date. The Earth apparently wobbles (same, girl) and because of that our views of the constellations have changed over time. This has caused most of our signs to shift. I am no longer a Pisces, but an Aquarius because of this shift. I would still like to give you your Horrorscopes the way you want them. And I still want you to identify with the sign you want to identify with, but just know if there are any inaccuracies that is why. Okay love you, Happy Halloween!
Scorpio- Your Halloween costume this year is “sexy.” But, like, what you find sexy, not what society thinks is sexy. So that means if you think it is hot when your partner, who doesn’t typically fold laundry, does so—that is your costume. If you’re into feet, you’re going to go as a foot. If you go as a zombie, just know you’re telling the world you are really into necrophilia.
Sagittarius- You’re hosting a Halloween party this year! Congrats! I’ll bring the caramel popcorn balls. Make sure you have bobbing for apples. I want to make sure I get sick at this one. Nothing is scarier than a superspreader event, and I want to have the bejeezus scared out of me as I shove my face into ice cold water and attempt to bite apples with no hands. Don’t worry, I’ll go last so I have the best change at Mad Cow Disease.
Capricorn- Unfortunately you have too much money riding on the World Series and you will be staying home to watch the game. You have two different parlays, seven prop bets and an unofficial side bet with your brother-in-law. Be prepared to be terrified beyond belief at the debtors swinging at your knees if the Dodgers don’t pull this out!
Aquarius- No matter your age you are going to trick or treat this year. You are going to justify it to every door your knock on. It is not for me to come up with the excuse but I think the only way you’re going to get away with it is if it is a super sad story. But I guess all ghost stories are sad their core anyways.
Pisces- You’re going to be haunted by your past mistakes this Halloween. Folks from your youth will remind you of all your fuck ups, big and small. You will relive them in your head and send a bunch of apology DMs on social media at an inappropriate hour. This will perpetuate your haunting as you now have eight messages you shouldn’t have sent that you are now accountable for.
Aries- You won’t TP any houses, but you will have an uncomfortable time on the toilet and notice you forgot to buy more TP. RIP your hand towels, taken too soon from this world.
Taurus- I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but a close friend will discover that you own four Christian ska albums. This will make your mind go into a Five Iron Frenzy.
Gemini- At an upcoming Halloween Party you will get stuck in a room with someone who explains the entire lore of the Friday the 13th movie series. This person will justify Freddie and Jason fighting. They will talk at length about Jason killing in space. They will somehow work in how the first Friday 13th was their sexual awakening. That’s what you get for saying you’ve never seen any of them.
Cancer- You will have caffeine after 9 p.m.
Leo- At some point this weekend you will play a brand new board game that a friend got. This brand new board game is still in beta testing, and your friend has it because they gave to the Patreon. You will have to painstakingly hear the rules read multiple times over the next four hours. You will win, but congrats, your will to carry on will be at an all-time low.
Virgo- I will be in your dreams for the next month, I’m so sorry my naked body looks like that.
Libra- Remind all of your friends that they don’t have to vote for Kate Toomey, Donna Colorio, Joe Petty, Satya Mitra, and Moe Bergman. Please remind folks that they all are friendly with John Monfredo, including School Committee member Maureen Binienda. It is not solely on your back but if these folks win, Worcester gets haunted for another two years. Honestly, go read the election guide by Bill.
NEWS
As is every 1st Thursday of the month we’ve got a great show at Boland’s. I won’t be there, but the great Worcester comic Nate Hilli will be hosting, Mairead Dickinson features and coming in from NY, Tito Garza. You can check out his recent special, “Prickly” here.
As for me I’ll be doing a very special Hot Dog! at the legendary Comedy Studio. If you feel like coming on over to Harvard Sq. it should be a very silly time. Tickets here.
Happy Halloween!