It’s Horrorscope time! And freakin’ Saturday, baby. Flipper at Ralph’s tonight. I’m told there’ll be a few tickets at the door. Anyway, hit the tip jar to show some love. —Bill
HORROSCOPES
Scorpio- Use code: HORROR26 at checkout for your specific Horrorscope this Scorpio Season. And if you comment below enter for a chance to win free Horrorscopes for a year!
Sagittarius- The moon just can’t right now. Seasonal depression is real and they feel like they are waxing and waning way more often. The moon has accepted being a public figure, but sometimes they just want to be eclipsed, y’know?
Capricorn- Stars are aligning and they have formed a giant bloc. They have formed a parliamentary democracy and the constellations are forming parties. Some stars are shining brighter now, but those too will die out eventually and another star will align on some plane we aren’t even thinking about. Keep your head on a swivel and your eyes clear.
Aquarius- The message just says: “Live. Laugh. Loaf.” IDK, sorry dog.
Pisces- You’re nearly 40 and you’re realizing that this very well could be middle age for you. You look at your loved ones and they look older than what your memory holds for them. You have a baby and you realize that when that baby is 40 you’ll be 80, or dead. This is an all-of-Pisces experience, not one felt by a specific Pisces that is related to this column.
Aries- Maintenance is the theme for you. Rake your yard, organize your room, clean the dishes. While you’re at it, I’ve got a couple things I need done too. Are you on TaskRabbit? Either way, there’s a little cash in it for you. Are you free on Sunday?
Taurus- Do one thing that scares you. For me it is aging. I’m doing it currently. Someone hold me.
Gemini- .sdrawrof si ti sa emaS .poop, dooG ?gnidaer llits uoY .won sdrawkcab siht gnidaer era uoy taht wonk dna evitcepsrep ruoy egnahC
Cancer- Can you give Kate Toomey a call? Remind her she needs help and must stop abusing her power. Thanks, she stopped taking my calls.
Leo- It is time to make cringe cool again. JNCO jeans are back, baggy tees are back. When I was in middle school bell bottoms came back. Let’s bring back Obama era cringe back. Speak hopefully, wear a silk scarf, earnestly express your feelings in a song while you stomp your foot. Everything is a horseshoe.
Virgo- If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? Use code: HORROR26 at checkout to learn what I think it is.
Libra- Don’t upset the planets. They did not get enough sleep last night. Just very testy and when they’re like this they tend to get personal in their attacks. Just stay out of their way right now and hopefully they get to bed early tomorrow.
NEWS
The Worcester Comedy Club is thriving! We had a sold-out show on Opening Night and had an incredible crowd last weekend, and another one yesterday. Please come on out and see what we’ve done with the space. Next Friday is Jason Cordova. Get your tickets here! See you at a show soon!