Roses are red, violets are blue, this newsletter only exists cuz of you.
Also be sure to read to the end for some very exciting news! —Bill
October Horrorscopes
Libra- Halloween season has officially begun. Which means scaring anyone at anytime is allowed. Fake pregnancies, coming out to your MAGA uncle, and thinking about AI are all on the table.
Scorpio- Thank you for reaching HORRORSCOPES. This may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. If you want your horrorscope, enter your 9 digit social security number followed by the # symbol.
Sagittarius- Go leaf peeping, be a real pervert about it.
Capricorn- Fortune is on the horizon. You will never meet that horizon. The stars have the fortune on a fishing hook and they will keep reeling it out of your reach each time you bend over.
Aquarius- To be more socially conscious you must no longer use notepads. All of your to do lists are now tattooed on you, “Memento” style. If you need a good tattooer contact Katie Nowicki.
Pisces- The moon told me to tell you that they are not talking to you right now. If you have anything to say to tell me at woocomedyweek@gmail.com. I don’t know what you did but the moon is waxing and waning on your relationship right now.
Aries- If you live in Worcester, drunk driving is legal now. So either roll the dice or get the hell off the road.
Taurus- The next time you’re asked, “Any questions for me?” respond by asking what their body count is. I don’t care if this is at the Parent/Teacher conference, I don’t care if it is at a job interview. You’re either going to come off as bold, or you’re going to know that your new boss or kid’s teacher is prude as hell.
Gemini- In the sand there are two sets of footprints, yours and that guy at the beach that jogs with a weighted vest and screams during his push up reps. He is in shape, but he looks unhealthy? You know that guy? He’s walking next to you. Making you feel strange.
Cancer- The planets are tired of you asking. The planets are up there. Ask them how they are doing once in a while.
Leo- If you don’t have a Halloween costume idea for this season, what the hell is your problem? You should have decided back in July. Are you even into Halloween or are you just a poser? I bet you’ve never seen Halloween II. Me lol either, but I know witches are involved. Bet you didn’t know that. Just don’t go as inflatable T. Rex, go as something topical like RFK Jr.’s hot tub jeans or something.
Virgo- I forgot to mention last week, stretch before twerking (you’re not as young and nimble as you used to be).
NEWS
Tonight I am at Bill’s Bar in Boston. Saturday I’m at Wong Dynasty in Holden. Next week I am hosting Woostock at Off the Rails.
BUT HERE IS THE BIG NEWS.
I am helping open a real-live comedy club in Worcester! It is aptly called Worcester Comedy Club (266 Park Ave) and to ease our way into being a full-time club we are running shows on nearly every Friday for the rest of the year! Our opening night is October 23rd at 8PM. Headlining is the legend Corey Rodrigues. Please consider come celebrating opening night by getting your tickets here. If you’re busy that night, we are open every Friday going forward, minus Black Friday and Christmas.