It’s everyone’s favorite time of the month: Horrorscopes! Read and weep, and then think about supporting this outlet so the astrological forecasts keep coming! —Bill
Libra- There will be a delay in your horrorscope due to a 15-star pileup. There are multiple fatalities and a toxic liquid covering two lanes that will need extensive clean up. We suggest seeking an alternate route.
Scorpio- In the Mexican tradition for Dia De Los Muertos, families create an ofrenda, a shrine with a photo of deceased loved ones, and at the base of the picture it has things that represented them in life. That could be their favorite food, or an object that reminds you of them. It is a beautiful homage to those you have lost. You must make an ofrenda but for all of your exes, because they are dead to you.
Sagittarius- Remember that conspiracy theory about Wayfair where all of the furniture items had names like Ashley and Jeremy and that was a code for pedophiles to shop for a kid with that name?
The idea was instead of a chifforobe, a Democratic senator got a kid. It turns out it was half true. There aren’t children in there but hamsters—filled to the brim. And those names are the names of their broods. I just need you to ship a couple of end tables over to me, I’ve got a breeding scheme going over here!
Capricorn- You didn’t get your oil changed did you? This is either a real reminder or it is a euphemism. Either way it will make your week better.
Aquarius- I’m teaching a stand up class, and my students don’t think I’m funny. Can you come next week and just laugh? I need a win.
Pisces- Two planets are aligning and depending on which ones they are you are either going to come into a lot of money or you are due for a serious injury. However, I can’t make out which planets they are due to smog.
Aries- Dance like no one is watching, laugh like no one can hear you, avoid a bath like no one can smelling, fart so bad that your neighbor can taste it. This is the word of the Lord.
Taurus- Remember that one kid in high school or college that only wore shorts no matter the temperature outside? You are that kid now. Let those calves free!
Gemini- Apply to become an astronaut. Seems like they’ll give anyone an important job now.
Cancer- You, Leo and Virgo need to team up and do a best friends themed costume for Halloween. Some ideas: ‘Three Amigos,’ ‘Breaking Bad,’ ‘Three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ ‘Me, My Wife and My Son,’ ‘Bill, Aislinn, and I.’
Leo- Start practicing Transcendental Meditation and then tell me what it actually is.
Virgo- Forget the bus, start traveling by sewer system. It is free, it connects you to everywhere around the city and who knows maybe you’ll meet a rat who can be your sensei.
NEWS
Saturday I’m doing one of my favorite shows in Boston. It is called The Mendoza Line at it is at the Dugout Cafe. You can get tickets here.
Sunday I’ll be at McCarthy’s in Porter Square in Cambridge. It’s a free show and the lineup is a good hang.