Or How I Learned to Love the Glob

Tissue Issues, Wish You Wouldn't

This is Issue #6 of Shaun’ Bad Advice of a new series on this platform. For more on what Bad Advice is and why it’s in Worcester Sucks now, head to issue #1. This column as well as the overall Worcester Sucks publication are sustained exclusively by reader contributions. Please consider a paid subscription!

Also, please consider donating to Katie Nowicki’s GoFundMe page! She got diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer and started treatment yesterday. Any little thing helps!

Dear Shaun,

I just want to open with saying that I love my wife. I am not complaining about my wife. I am just looking for some guidance on how to help with a certain situation. My wife has bad allergies, and she tends to have a lot of built-up mucus (there are other great qualities to her I swear!). A way to remedy that, even after the allergy medication, is to hock and spit into a tissue. She doesn’t want to be wasteful, so she uses the same tissue multiple times. As life goes, she gets distracted or has to chase our toddler around or does something on her phone and she ends up leaving the tissue wherever she was sitting. This leads to numerous tissues laid about our apartment, in our bed and strewn about our car. I’ll say it again: I love my wife, but I need to remedy this tissue issue.

-Issue with Tissue

Dear Issue with Tissue,

I’ll answer your question in a minute, I would first like to say: “the lady doth protest too much?” You keep insisting you love your wife and it feels like the husband whose wife is missing and he clearly did it and the press ask him questions and all he can say is “I love my wife.” We get it, you have some reservations and you don’t want to become a divorce statistic. Okay now I will answer your question as long as you promise not to kill your wife.

Your wife, while not the most sanitary, is essentially doing what “gentleman” did for a century. Up until the early 2000s my dad did a similar thing, as did most people in “polite society.” She is keeping a handkerchief! Except instead of remembering to put it back in waistcoat pocket, she is leaving a trail of them (a la Hansel and Gretel) for you to follow and get more frustrated.

I will concede that this is gross. Especially now that we are living in a post-COVID Epidemic world, mucus (as disgusting and possibly contagious as it already is) has more weight to it now. Your wife is essentially planting little contagion mines all over your apartment for you and your toddler to step on. As far as mines are concerned, that is a war crime. My first course of action would be writing to The Hague. In the letter, explain her violations of the Geneva Convention. They may push back and say that there is no malice in laying these mines around, but you must argue that that is potentially worse. To have blasé approach to illness and general well-being of your fellow man is an atrocity.

Next, to remedy the situation until the Netherlands responds to your accusations, you must pick up some latex gloves. Wear them and pick up all of those tiny little bacterial mines. Put them in a bag, and hold onto that bag. As you keep collecting, keep the bag in a safe place. Then when the bag is nearly full, arrange those tissues on her side of the bed into the best human shape you can create. Tuck that disgusting sculpture in. I want it to look like when a kid tries to runaway from home and they make their pillows look like them under the covers. Your wife may then finally recognize the terrorism she displays, when she sees them altogether. It’s like reading all of them names on the wall at the Vietnam War Memorial. It should take her breath away.

Send me more questions! Woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

Got some fun shows coming up! Tonight, I’ll be at Boston Comedy Club at Article 24 in Brighton. The room is great, the shows are fun and they have a great cocktail menu as well. You can find tickets to the 8PM and 10PM show here.

Next Sunday (8/13) is the big day! We have Eddie Pepitone coming to The White Room! Tickets are going fast, but you can still pick up yours here.

And next Tuesday on 8/8 we have the very funny Shyam Subramanian as our featured guest comic at the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s. See you next week!