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Throw up on my chiffon tonight
This is Issue #18 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.
This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month!
Also, keep your eyes and ears out for opportunities to help the community out in Lewiston, ME, after the horrible mass shooting last night. My sister works in the school district and lives there. It’s a horrible, messy and confusing situation right now for everyone in that town, and it’s not a rich town. There are families there which will need help desperately. As soon as my sister passes me ways to meaningfully support the Lewiston community, I’ll pass them along to you guys. Solidarity is the only thing we have. -Bill
My daughter keeps saying she is Satan. When I visit her in her bedroom she spins her head around, she throws up in my face, she calls me all kinds of nasty names, and she now oddly looks like Linda Blair? Anyways, the Catholic church has told me they don’t do exorcisms and stay strictly on dipping their toes into giant social issues they don’t understand like trans-sexuality, pronouns and women in general. I really want to help my daughter, I don’t want her to be Satan. Can you help?
Dear Satan’s Mother,
Wow, THE Satan? Big fan. He’s just been around so long and like… is kind of bad at his job for the most part? He’s like a bumbling Mr. Magoo for evil. He’s powerful, but in the grand scheme of things can’t truly pull off a catastrophic event. Just like, little pockets of evil. If he is who people say he is, we should all be dead, right? Anyways say “what up?” to him.
Sorry about your daughter though, she’s got to be in there somewhere. Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re getting out of this one. I think you have got to kill ‘em with kindness. Now, yes for sure kindness won’t kill Satan. But! You may be able to at least curb this behavior. As a parent of a toddler, I am confident parents can do anything.
For the last five months I was convinced that my son was just going to shit in his pants no matter what we told him to do. We yelled, we whispered, we brought the toilet to him, we bargained, we were on our last thread. Then finally, one day, with a little incentive of a promise of new Hot Wheel car he started to go in the toilet! He does it every time now! I will say he equates taking a poop and getting a new car so much that the other day I was in the bathroom and he got excited that I was going to get a new car as well.
My point being—you got to love Satan. Satan is now your child. You have to care and cuddle that lil prince of darkness. Eventually with the love of a mother and a lot of patience, Satan will stop throwing up in your face. He’ll spin his head, but only to make you laugh, and he’ll use all of those awful obscenities at others to protect you. Love Satan, as you love thyself.
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This Friday, I’ll be at 10th Street Brewing in Abington. You can grab tickets to that show here. Next week we are hosting a Halloween Show at Ralph’s instead of regular open mic. We’ll have cover sets, music, candy and all kinds of other spooky happenings! That’s Tuesday, October 31st!
Then the big time! On November 3rd, we have The Sort of Late Show at Off the Rails, get your tickets here! We have Bill Shaner of this very Substack and District 1 City Council Candidate Jenny Pacillo on as guests, plus comedian Dan Perlman (Showtime), Dicky Stock drops by, and the musical guest is none other than Moshi! Bryan O’Donnell will lead our new house band Bad at Sex and Doug Guertin will be there to ruin the whole thing. It’s going to be a blast, you won’t want to miss it.