September Horrorscopes
You are about to enter a polycule like Forrest Gump enters historical moments
The Worcester Sucks team kindly thanks you for subscribing to our newsletter and sharing our work!
Discounts for group subscriptions!
Horrorscopes
Virgo- I read a meme yesterday that essentially said that if you’re a Virgo it is more than just intuition, it is predicting the future. I will be honest with you, this makes no sense to me. If you can predict the future, why aren’t all presidents Virgos? Why aren’t all Virgos super rich? Virgos, you are doing too much. Only two presidents were Virgos: William Howard Taft (who should’ve seen that bathtub coming) and Lyndon B. Johnson (who should’ve seen those three shooters in Dallas). (Editor’s note: who’s saying he didn’t?) Warren Buffet is a Virgo. Catch up, the rest of you.
Libra- Do you ever miss homework? Maybe you are reading this instead of doing homework. I sometimes miss having some homework. I don’t miss worksheets, but I kind of miss book reports and history projects. I am assigning you a book report on this column but you have to write it like it was AI generated. That way we can trick the stupid chip into thinking its writing style is good, and maybe it will end up folding in on itself.
Scorpio- Get an apple, a bowl, a skull, a feather, and a playing card. You are a painter now, paint me a still life.
Sagittarius- With Día de Los Muertos coming up, I would implore you to put me on your ofrenda. I have not yet died, but had a near death experience when I dropped my son off at his first day of preschool and he waved me away when I, with tears in my eyes, tried to give him a goodbye hug. Reza por mí.
Capricorn- Relationships are hard. Romantic, platonic, pets, etc. Your luck with them will change soon. You are about to enter a polycule like Forrest Gump enters historical moments. You won’t know how you got there, or why you’re in the mix, but you’re the best table tennis player in your group and you refer to all of them as a box of chocolates, because most of them are nuts.
Aquarius- I was real inspired by the butter sculptures at the state fairs across the upper Midwest. Let’s start a butter sculpting group. It’s like knitting, but fatty.
Pisces- We are nearing Fall, which means the leaves are changing color. Help the trees out this year and instead of having them put all of their effort into the color change, climb on up and color them in yourself. Give them a break for once!
Aries- Your new favorite album is Sabrina Carpenter’s “Short n’ Sweet” (This horrorscope was in no way sponsored by Spotify, nor does an executive have a gun to my head at this moment, why would you ask?)
Taurus- We are nearing “cuffing season,” so start rolling up your pants to look like me! You are guaranteed to find a mate this way. Two birds as they say.
Gemini- Don’t forget that even though it’s feeling less and less like summer, you should still wear sunscreen. The sun comes out every single day. Protect your skin. It’s your biggest organ. Sorry fellas.
Cancer- If you drink coffee, start drinking tea. If you drink tea, start drinking coffee. If you drink energy drinks, grow up.
Leo- Can you fold my laundry for me? I can do it, I’m just getting so lazy about it. I read somewhere that folding laundry can be a form of prayer. While I get it in theory, it feels like sponcon for Big Laundry. I’m onto you, Snuggle Bear, I know why you’re not in commercials anymore. You now pull the strings!!
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This weekend I’ll be in Brooklyn at Worcester-favorite Paul Henry’s new show at Secret Pour (Friday at 7 p.m.). I’ll be soaking in the intermittent screaming and chaos of the city that never sleeps as well. Wish me luck!
We just confirmed all of our upcoming Hot Dogs! at George’s Coney Island for the next four months. We’ll be there September 20th, October 11th, November 8th, and December 6th. If you experienced the chaos that was two weeks ago at Off the Rails, expect more of the same. See you there!
