It’s one digital alt weekly, Michael. What could it cost? 10 dollars? —Bill
HORRORSCOPES
Virgo- Twerk like no one is watching.
Libra- The stars were just wondering if you had a few bucks you could lend them. They are good for it. I can vouch for them. They’re good. Yeah, they have their past and some of them have died recently, but the ones who are asking are chill and reliable. Be cool, man.
Scorpio- The planets are aligned. They have unionized and have demands. First, they feel grossly underpaid. I’m just the middle man, so I’m going to stay out of this. But you should definitely come to the negotiation table and offer a solution quickly.
Sagittarius- The NFL season has started. Kiss your loved ones, and we’ll talk to you again in March.
Capricorn- The Red Sox are doing well, so things in your life are not going as well. You haven’t noticed yet because of the rose-colored glasses you are watching these games through. On their next off day just check in with those you care about, there are some things you must attend to.
Aquarius- The moon is pissed.
Pisces- Try something you’ve never done before. But it has to be illegal. The stars are still waiting on that loan and want to see if you can come through for them. Maybe just stick your hand in a tip jar? Or commit some light wire fraud?
Aries- Watch someone twerk like they don’t see you watching.
Taurus- Start to keep a diary. This will help you get out some of those thoughts you feel even your therapist can’t hear. Write so much that eventually you’re thinking this stuff is pretty genius. Write to the point where you think that someone is going to have to read this. That is when you finally get to post your Charlie Kirk / JD Vance Erotic Fan Fic. Part zombie apocalyptic tale, part lustful romance where they use all the holes.
Gemini- Ooooh, okay. The moon is into you. He is telling everyone how much of a crush he has one you. Keep doin’ what you’re doin’.
Cancer- Remind yourself that you are not an expert and no one cares about your half-brained theories on crimes that you have only read about on the news and on Reddit pages. You don’t know shit.
Leo- When in doubt ask yourself what Dolly Parton would do. She made so much fucking money, you should probably follow her footsteps. Even if that means making some shitty Hallmark Christmas movies. Exploit yourself, become uber-rich and people will still think you’re a good person.
NEWS
Tonight we have a great show at Boland’s Irish Bar and Patio. The show is always free and we honestly should charge for how good the lineups are. This one is no different. Show starts at 8PM!