It’s that time of the month folks! Before you read the horrors to which you are bound and b’fated by the very stars, think about supporting Shaun and I and everyone else at Worcester Sucks so we can keep carrying the precious but oh so tiny flame of the alt-weekly into the local journalism-averse future!! —Bill
September Horrorscopes
Virgo- Football season has started which means your moon and Mercury are aligned with the person in your life who wants to tell you about a certain play on Thursday’s game. You haven’t watched football since the Super Bowl, and even then you were talking with someone the whole time, practically unawares of the game. You were there for Bridget’s buffalo cauliflower dip. Lock in on the dip whenever someone wants to talk football.
Libra- Sure Yacht Rock gets a bad rap and is definitely cheesy. Listen to “Peg” by Steely Dan five times in a row and go put on your best salmon color outfit. There’s still three weeks left of summer.
Scorpio- Moisturize. Few do. Get on that dewy skin train.
Sagittarius- Compliment people’s clothes. It is a simple act but wow does it fuel me for the day. Same vein, if you hate a shirt tell that fucking idiot to get a better sense of self.
Capricorn- You wake up in a cold sweat. You dreamt of making out with your third grade teacher. It was good and comforting. This is now your weird dream and not mine.
Aquarius- Powerball is up to over a billion dollars. Buy a ticket, c’mon! What’s the worst that happens? You win and all of a sudden everyone and their dog hunts you down for a loan? Think of the attention! Bask in the green glow of greed.
Pisces- Pick up a hobby that looks wild to do at a bar or coffee shop. Like papier-mache or self pedicures. I call this Gen Z peacocking. People are going to notice your wholesome interest and despise you for your happiness.
Aries- I drink a lot of seltzer. I know a lot of aging millennials do, I am one of them. My local hardware store sells 12 packs for cheap (no, I will not tell you where my plug is) and the other day the kid behind the counter called me out on it. Two years of buying four 12 packs a week and he finally said something. What I’m saying is build up the courage sooner and you’ll have another friendly face to look forward to every Monday.
Taurus- If you’ve never been to Buc-ee's make a road trip. Yeah they are far from here, but you got to experience it okay? It is everything that is wrong and right with America all wrapped neatly in a gas station. Go take a shower, buy some brisket, a 36 pack of Lone Stars, and a beach towel.
Gemini- You’re going to have a falling out with a friend soon.
Cancer- Someone who is a Gemini is going to be so two-faced. You should confront them.
Leo- Tell all of the other signs this too: Do everything in your power to make sure Kate Toomey, Morris Bergman, and Donna Colorio lose the city council race. Please tell everyone you know that they are bad for this city. Thank you.
NEWS
This weekend I’m in New York playing the 9th Annual Big Walkowski Basketball Tournament. It is great time, and a fundraiser for LiveOnNY. Our friend Kenny Deforest died in a bike accident a few years ago and was an organ donor and saved lives that very night. You can learn more about the organization here.
Next week is the Portland Hotdog Safari in Portland, ME. Come on out for its first year and show Mainers how Worcester Parties! Starts at Allagash Brewing at 11 a.m. on Saturday, September 13th. More information at Portland Hotdog Safari on Instagram.