ShaunClave

Why yes, I am running for pope

While we here at Worcester Sucks don’t endorse anything he writes, ever, and would certainly never blaspheme anyone, we do financially support Shaun’s work. And—no way around it, folks—that means we’re funding this Papal run. There’s no ActBlue for this kind of thing it turns out so please consider a paid subscription to this outlet if you believe in the cause! —Bill

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Dear Shaun,

I hear you are running for Pope. What does that mean? Are you allowed to? Do you have to be invited? Is this just a joke? Are you a practicing Catholic?

-Confused Confirmed Catholic

Dear Confused Confirmed Catholic,

Why, yes I am running for Pope!

You see, 12 years ago when Francis was voted into the papacy, I also ran. I held a campaign rally at The Ship Room in the Hotel Vernon. I had then-Worcester Magazine writer Jeremy Shulkin speak on my behalf, as well as artist and bon vivant Derek Ring. Archie Bellos played some songs, along with Amazing Dick on ukulele. I gave my big opening speech with promises to reform the Catholic Church. When it was all said and done we had a full ship of folks, and had a sweaty dance party ‘til early in the morning. I even got into a heated debate with a middle aged man at the bar about whether I was being blasphemous or not. If I remember correctly his biggest hang up was that I was wearing an Alb and hadn’t received communion in a while. Literally didn’t care that one of my promises was to make all priests lean into the fancy clothing and just go full drag for Mass.

I won’t say I am happy that Francis is dead. I mean you don’t wish death upon anyone, but that man was elected to be Pope because all of the Cardinals believed he had an open channel to God themself. So if that is the case Francis is reunited with his years-long pen pal! Ever had a pen pal? It is a thrilling feeling. I had a pen pal all throughout high school and I am still friends with her to this day. Getting mail addressed to you in the first place is already an excitement, then you add that is a full blown hand written letter, I mean come on. What is not to love? Francis now gets to have that thrill all the time. On top of that, in an advertised paradise. I’m happy for Francis for dying. Hope he’s sipping a mojito by a pool of swimmable Jello, or whatever heaven is.

The amount of messages I received to tell me Francis had died was encouraging. People remembered my last campaign and they were pushing me to run again. How can I deny the people?

I am a confirmed Catholic. I firmly did not want to get confirmed in high school. I ended up doing it to appease my mother, who would cry when I would tell her no. So, yeah I got confirmed but not without a bunch potholes and frost heaves on the drive over. We had to take a written test to prove our commitment to Catholicism and I cheated. We went on a retreat and I made a nun cry when I asked her how she could live with herself knowing that all of the men in her life think of her as less than. I wrote a love letter to the headmaster of the Catholic Confirmation Classes telling him he was my reflection of Jesus in my life. He was so moved by my writing that he decided to read it aloud on the intercom. It wasn’t until he heard roaring laughter throughout the building that he realized my paper was actually dripping with sarcasm. But, alas, after all that they still let become an adult in the Catholic Church, named for Saint Dominic.

I was an altar boy too. Not an attentive one, but one just the same. I ended up getting a small college scholarship from the Diocese for my work. My two biggest claims to fame were falling asleep while holding a candle and catching my hair aflame. Once, on Holy Thursday, I brought a rubber ducky and Mickey Mouse shaped bar of soap to the ‘washing of feet’ ceremony for the Bishop.

For those not in on the Catholic Church’s customs: during the week of Easter on Holy Thursday, the Gospel tells the story of Jesus washing the feet of a man, in short. And so for Holy Thursday Mass the priest of the parish washes some select congregation members and in this case the Bishop as well. When the rubber ducky and Mickey soap caught eye of his eminence, his face was as red as a Cardinal’s shawl. Some of my proudest moments.

I plan to try and bring that fun back to the Catholic Church. Sundaes on Sundays, Drag Priests, Women welcome, Super Soaker Baptisms, Marriages for priests, Confessionals but it is a newsletter akin to Post Secret.

I implore you to come on out to my ShaunClave this Tuesday May 6th at Ralph’s Rock Diner. We will have musical performances from Jake McKelvie and Fair Dinkum, we will comedy from Sean Sullivan, Monica Carroll, Brandon Pires, Nate Hilli and Yaw. We will have special guest appearances from Nark Lizard and Eric James Yankus Franco AND MORE. I will have shirts and prayer candles for sale. Here’s an exclusive peek at the shirt:

NEWS

Then, I’ll be at Hideout Comedy at White Bull Tavern tonight (Friday) at 7:30 p.m. You can find tickets here.

AND PLEASE COME TO SHAUNCLAVE

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."