Should Worcester Sucks have a mascot?

And should it be cute or ornery? Maybe both?

Hey everyone! Just a reminder this column is only possible because of the Worcester Sucks readers that pony up paid subscriptions. If you can swing $5 a month, our little attempt at a truly independent local outlet thanks you kindly for its continued existence! -Bill

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Dear Shaun,

I recently found out that the Minnesota Star Tribune has a mascot. Its name is Stribby the Grey Duck. I have attached photographic evidence.

This got me thinking though, I know you guys have the ACAB Smiley Face as a symbol for this Substack, but what do you think the official mascot for this publication be? Something more welcoming and cute like Stribby? Or would you double down on the ornery business? Thought it could be a fun thought exercise for you!

-Mascot Mystery

Dear Mascot Mystery,

I am unsure if you know this, but I am very Mascot Coded. There was a time in my early adulthood where I thought I may have been a career mascot. In high school, I was practically forced to be the mascot by my assistant principal. When I say “forced,” it was a bargain I had to agree to. It was either dress up as the mascot or get suspended for my weird and erratic behavior. I was actually excited to get the mascot gig. We were the Patriots and I wore a three cornered hat, knickers, a green vest and a puffy shirt. I led pep rallies, I went to the away football games, I had rituals with fans in the stands. That led to my work study job in college: being the mascot at Bridgewater State, Bristaco the Bear. I went to fundraising walks, elementary school readings, parents’ weekend events, wrestling matches, and even down to Daytona for the cheer team’s competition. That experience led me to being Twister for the Worcester Tornadoes for three seasons, which led to an audition for the Wally the Green Monster gig with the Boston Red Sox. I didn’t get that job and I got burned out working in independent baseball.

I truly shudder at the thought of putting on a costume now. But I am proud of my decades of work as a mascot. I wouldn’t have done it any other way. So I am very excited at the prospect of a mascot for Worcester Sucks and I Love It.

First, I would like to comment on Stribby. This is kind of a perfect mascot and brilliant marketing move. There is absolutely no reason for Stribby to exist, but that is the plight of the mascot. There is no reason for any anthropomorphic animal or inanimate object to roam around as a way to strum up awareness of a brand. The Philly Phanatic exists despite its uselessness and that is its beauty. One of my favorite elements of any mascot, but especially Stribby, is the dead eyes that stare through you. There is literally no life behind those eyes, yet they seem to ask, “Are you going to allow print media to die?” It’s fantastic.

What would ours be? I do like the ACAB Smiley. There is something very endearing, cute and unnerving about it. Those three adjectives explain Bill’s work a lot of the time. I know what you’re saying, “cute?” Yes, cute. Nothing more adorable than a man’s love for a municipality despite its missteps and sometimes pure evil.

I can tell you what all of the other publications’ mascots would be:

• Telegram & Gazette: A Zombie Eating its Own Arm

• Worcester Magazine: A Russian Doll but it is Only the Smallest One

• Worcester Pulse: Aging Dad Dressed Like Ronny from Jersey Shore

• Worcester Guardian: Tim Murray as the Wizard of Oz

• MassLive: A Raccoon Eating out of the Trash

• Cecilia: A Plastic Bag Floating in the Wind

• Happiness Pony: A Pony that is, In Fact, Happy

ACAB Smiley is up there. I also can’t get the image out of my head of former City Manager Ed Augustus calling Bill Shaner an outdoor cat to his face. So maybe an outdoor cat would be good for us too. Readers, what do you think? What would be a good mascot for us? Email me at woocomedyweek@gmail.com.

NEWS

This week, I am at Hideout Comedy on Wednesday at 7 p.m., you can get tickets to that here. Then on Saturday I am featuring for the wonderful Amy Tee at The Comedy Scene in the shadow of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro. It is my anniversary that night, so I won’t be around to talk much, but the show will be very fun! Grab those tix here.

We got fun stuff rolling up this fall, so stay tuned!