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Something Wicked Scary This Way Comes
Just Let the Guy Be Weird!
This is Issue #13 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.
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We are new homeowners and my husband really wants to scare the neighborhood kids with a really involved lawn display. I want our home to be a place people feel welcome and cared for not scared to death. I want the kids in our neighborhood to not cower when they walk by. My husband disagrees, he says that kids like being scared and they will think we are the coolest house on the block. What should I do?
-Scared Of Scaring Kids
Dear Scared of Scaring Kids,
Your husband sounds awesome. I agree with his instinct to make his home a den of haunted miseries. It has been discussed many times now in the column that I am have recently grief purchased a 12 Foot Skeleton from Home Depot. It was one part to somehow weirdly replace my dad, one part do something I normally wouldn’t do in a situation I normally wouldn’t be in, part I too want to scare the bejeezus out of the children on the North Side of Worcester.
My partner (IN CRIME! jk just my wife) is supportive of my plan for a scare walk. You should be too! You’ve got to go all in on this. Try and outdo him. Let him make his little scary display with some Spirit Halloween haunting purchases like this baby clown with knives or this buried doll that is now part tree or maybe this cotton candy cocoon with a dead guy in it whatever his budget and tastes are it doesn’t matter. Maybe his tastes are just like mine and those are some of the things on my Wishlist for my own front lawn.
Either way you let me- er, I mean him, decorate your lawn. Then you hide even more fucked up things within his haunt. Create a whole story about how you think your lawn is haunted. Maybe you leave a knife bloodied by your own doing within the display. Maybe you “notice” a Ziploc bag full of his toenail clippings with a note that says special one. Maybe late at night he wakes up because he thought he heard a noise out on the front lawn. And maybe when he looks out on the front lawn he see you soaking wet and staring straight up at him. Maybe he screams and then when he looks back you are gone. Maybe he then hears the back window slowly open and footprints pitter patter on the kitchen floor. Maybe when looks for you he slips on those wet footprints and gets knocked out from the fall and when he comes to he wakes up tied to his own 12 foot skeleton and it Halloween night and the whole neighborhood is laughing at him and whacking him with wiffleball bats like a live pinata.
Or something to that effect.
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Slow comedy week this week, which is alright because I am sick. My wife Mairead Dickinson is on a very cool show at the Canal District Wine Shop in the Worcester Public Market on Saturday. You can find tickets to that here, it comes with a wine tasting!
WOOtenanny has some great shows coming up October 12th with Tawanda Gona (Desus and Mero), October 22nd with David Gborie (Comedy Central), a very special Halloween Tuesday Comedy Show at Ralph’s, and the return of The Sort of Late Show with Shaun Connolly at Off the Rails featuring District 1 City Council candidate Jenny Pacillo, my boss and media overlord Bill Shaner, Comedian Dan Perlman (Showtime’s Flatbush Misdemeanors), and music from the band Moshi. Plus your favorites Bryan O’Donnell, Doug Guertin and a brand new house band, Bad at Sex! You can find more information about most this here and the rest of it very soon!