The Bike Wars are Coming

We lost some children and some tents, but we kept fuel

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Dear Shaun,

I never learned to ride a bike. My friends all insist that is something an adult should need to do, but I just think that is silly. If I can walk just fine, drive just fine, and use some other sort of transportation, why do I also need to bike?

-Bicycle Bummed Out

Dear Bicycle Bummed Out,

Everyone’s lived experiences do not have to be universal. If you didn’t learn to ride a bike as a kid, that is totally fine! I never learned to ski, yet everyone in my parents’ tax bracket seemed to. I always felt left out, but also closer to regular folk. I still don’t get the thrill of skiing. It is cold outside and you go down a mountain for a couple of minutes just to sit on a weather exposed chair to bring you back up to do the same thing again. Plus, Sonny Bono died in a ski accident. No thank you.

I will say that you have to learn how to bike. Especially if you are young. By the time you are middle aged, cars will not exist, the ocean will have reached Worcester, and this city will be a sleepy little beach town that only allows bikes, like Block or Fire Island. You’ll take on a nickname like Stardust or Flopper and you’ll be in charge of the city’s light supply. You won’t be good at your job, because you didn’t train for this. It’s just the job you fell into. The mayor is your son, but you didn’t know you had a son until the population dropped. Your son is not qualified to be the mayor but he had one good idea during the first Woonsocket Gas Raid. He suggested we bury the gas in containers and play dead.

We could see the Woonsocket tribe’s camp, about four miles away, and you had time to plan that night. It worked. We lost some children and some tents, but we kept fuel.

Then, because you learned to ride a bike just after reading this, you came up with a more energy-efficient way to run our community: Our light supply and other energy, powered by a fleet of bicyclists. That way, if Woonsocket, Holliston, or Northampton came for our gas and won it, we’d still be able to function.

Every capable resident took their turn. That was the tax paid. And it worked. All because you learned to ride a bike. Don’t ask how I know this. Don’t memorialize me when the time comes. Just heed my words.

This also could not happen at all. But bicycle riding is way better for your joints than jogging. I mean swimming is the best and healthiest of the options, but the means to swim may not always be present. However, you can find a cheap bike on the internet and stay healthy without hurting your knees or soles of your feet. Your friends don’t need to bully you into it, you should do it for yourself. Or at least for the fate of the new beach empire that is Worcester come 2079.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

First I want to thank everyone who wrote to me about my piece about my dad. I’m glad you enjoyed the essay and saw something in it for yourself, or could relate to me in some way. That really meant a lot. I will write you back soon.

NEXT WEEK! The Sort of Late Show will be at Off the Rails. Reporter Matt of WBZ Radio and Ellen Benson of WooSkates are our esteemed guests. Paul Henry will be doing comedy. Jake McKelvie will be playing some new songs and also debuting a new music video (that I star in, oOooOOoO00ooo). Tickets are $10. You can buy them online or you could hit me up on Instagram for some physical tickets if you want to avoid fees (@SirShaunConnolly).