The KENO app will be the downfall of man
Tips for replacing your phone addiction with a different addiction
Hello all you crazy kids it’s Bill here with the requisite plug to keep the lights on here at Worcester Sucks HQ. If you like Bad Advice and you like how it’s free to read consider chipping in so we can keep it that way!
Dear Shaun,
I feel addicted to my phone. Do you have any tips or tricks on how to lessen my usage? The other day, my daughter asked me why I need to bring my phone everywhere. It gutted me. Please, I’m desperate!
-Phone-aholic
Dear Phone-aholic,
I totally empathize with you! It is sick how these companies have played into our basest desires and gamified our ways of walking and talking through the world. Each pillar of our life is seemingly designed to have us use our phone constantly. Hell, I bet you are reading this on your phone right now!
The “best” way to contact my son’s school is on an app. The “best” way to pay my bills is on an app. The “best” way to play Keno now is through an app. That last one is very real by the way.
You can now play Keno, play scratch tickets and buy Powerball tickets all on your phone. Because of this app alone I truly believe we are in a race with AI on who can defeat us first: them or our crippling gambling addictions.
But we aren’t talking gambling, we are talking phones and how to get our silly little brains away from them for a healthy amount of time. Luckily you’ve come to the right place. Here are my five ways to help you become less addicted to your phone and a little more addicted to something else framed by capitalism!
Delete all social media apps off your phone except for eBay. I know you don’t even think of eBay as a social media app, but you most certainly will! If it is the only thing other than texting that you can fiddle with on your phone, you’ll be chatting it up with Clive from Enid about that Felix the Cat clock. After that purchase, Gloria from San Pedro might have some ideas on where you can find a ‘96 Super Bowl T-Shirt featuring the Patriots as the winners, not the Packers. Either way these are your new online friends. Happy shopping!
Just get an iPod! If that is your big holdover, just listen to music on an iPod. We used to do it all them time. I’m sure Limewire is still up and running for all your downloading needs. Just don’t tell Lars Ulrich!
Leave your phone next to your bed. I mean sure, if you have to leave the house bring it with you, but otherwise while you are home keep it away from where you spend the rest of your time. If you stay in your bed all the time, charge your phone in the kitchen. Also, if you stay in your bed all the time, get out of there you lazy lummox! “But Shaun, what if someone needs me?” These are the evil teachings of Tim Cook of Apple. Let’s be real, most people don’t need us. Sure they want to talk to us, but they don’t need us. You can allot yourself 3 times a day to go and check it. You’ll come to the painful realization that no one will really be looking for you. Some say it is depressing to come back to your phone and not see any notifications, I say it is freeing.
At work, give your phone to your boss. You do not want to have to go to your boss to get your phone to say you want to check Reddit or Instagram. If you do, you’re letting them know that you’re looking to kill time instead of work for them. If someone keeps calling or texting you, it will annoy your boss and eventually they’ll come out to you to hand your phone because someone is trying to get in touch with you. Most of the time though your boss will just be slowly siphoning money from your company while your phone sits in their desk and you become so efficient at your job, that when your boss gets caught in a fraud case you’re first in line to be hired to replace them!
Pull a Tyler Durden. Watch Fight Club.1
NEWS
Thank you to everyone who came out to Hot Dog! at The Thirsty Pig, all of the wonder participants in the Portland Hot Dog Safari and a huge congrats to The Thirsty Pig for winning it!
This week I am at Charlie’s Kitchen on Thursday. Show starts around 9 p.m.. Saturday, I am headlining The Summit Lounge on Water St. Tickets are $15 and I believe you just have to become a member which you pay for by buying a ticket. The room is cool and you can smoke weed in it. I don’t smoke so I’ll just enjoy all of you being baked in my presence. For more info visit the Summit Lounge site.
But like not the right-wing take on it! Sure Fight Club, through a certain lens can be seen as a rugged individualism, libertarian wet-dream, sprinkled with machismo and unregulated mental illness. But also *SPOILERS* that movie ends with them blowing up all the financial institutions so we can start over again. Maybe we start all over again?