Time to pull the trigger on that in-ground pool
You can't put a price on my sudden interest in being your friend
Consider when you’re reading the following that Shaun and I are actually a package deal in this you-get-a-pool-we-hang-out arrangement, just like we’re a package deal here in this newsletter—where for the low low price of $5 a month you can join us in our effort to keep the spirit of the alt-weekly alive in this dirty little town. —Bill
Dear Shaun,
This heat wave is killing me. I know that it is not always this hot, but I am strongly considering getting a pool. Do you think that is a good idea? I just think it would be nice to have a place to cool off, when I am really suffering in this uncomfortable heat. Am I missing something?
-Serious Swimmer
Dear Serious Swimmer,
The moment you drive a car off the lot, it has dropped in value. Sure you have a $540,000 Lamborghini, but you can only sell it back for half. That is not great in my opinion. Also, I assume none of you have a car of that value and if you do: Nice car, dork.
A pool is also depreciating in monetary value, not from the first time you pee in it, but when you stand over it and say, “wow I have a pool now.” It is not only a pit or giant bucket (depending on if you have an in-ground pool or above ground one) to fill with water and chlorine but it is also something to continue to throw money into. Your insurance will go up because you just put possible death in your backyard. Maintenance cost will get you in the hundreds per month. Weather could cause any number of damages. Late stage capitalism also plays a factor here, with the enshitification of products. Nothing lasts anymore and pool filters or pumps are no exception. Those are going to break and you are going to need to keep buying those. Plus with a pool there are going to be more opportunities for you to be pressured into hosting a party. And sure, you can ask people to BYOB and make a dish, but you’re buying your own food and drink in case your guests are lazy or horrible cooks. So that’s even more money you weren’t factoring in.
All that said, you gotta get a pool. I can see you now, cannonballing into it. Having a pool is the ultimate status symbol. You become a necessary thread in the fabric of your urban, suburban, or exurban community. Pools bring sports teams, dance troupes, and church cliques together. Some of the lamest kids I knew growing up had a pool, and that became their identity. They were suddenly tolerated in the group or at the lunch table because you wanted to go swim in their pool. They were absolute drips to hang with, but you turned a blind eye to their lack of personality as you slowly drip-dried in their kitchen, waiting for a snack after playing Marco Polo for an hour.
Do you lack a personality? Are you afraid of a public pool? Are you grossed out but weeds at the bottom of pond or lake? Is a sprinkler not enough for you? Do you not know anyone with ALS, so therefore you can’t dump a bucket of ice on your head? Do you not have AC? Do you not want to solve a puzzle in the air conditioned Public Library? If you answered “yes” to all of these you may be entitled to a pool in your backyard that you spend thousands to install and maintain.
You should, without a shred of doubt, get a pool. Invite me over and I too can ignore your story about how there were two yolks in one of the eggs you cracked to make brownies for this party. It won’t look rude though, I’ll just be having too much fun running in circles making a whirlpool.
NEWS
This Friday is the best show in Worcester: Hot Dog! It’s at the historic George’s Coney Island Hotdogs in Worcester and it is FREE. It is also at 8PM. We’ve got some great comics and great surprises ahead for this one.
I also want to point out a brand new show we’re putting together at Hunchback Gallery. Local comedian Adam Swanson approached us about having a storytelling comedy show where we can use photos, graphs and other visuals to highlight the story. It is also FREE and it is going to be a hoot. Poster below.
