Traveling! (With Anyone but Rick Steeves)

Bad Advice goes on the road

This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Or, in Bostonian, 1.5 Dunkies a month! Thank you! - Bill

Dear Shaun,

Do you have any tips on traveling for the holidays? Yeah sure Christmas, but all holidays or events with your family. What about a wedding? Or a bat mitzvah? Or a day trip for New Years? I just find myself traveling and running into the same frustrations. Any tips or tricks would perfect.

-Over the River and Through the Woods to Gramma’s

Dear Over the River and Through the Woods to Gramma’s,

Yeah dawg, I get it. I currently am drunk at the Baltimore Airport on my way to Houston, Texas for 12 days. Traveling when everyone else in the world is traveling sucks. Traveling with no deadline or end result is gorgeous (if only we could be a blonde trust fund 20 something). Most of us are traveling for work, for family, for an obligation. There is less whimsy to that. I empathize.

Here are my tricks first, for flight:

• Get There Early- not to beat the TSA line, but to get thoroughly trashed. (Note: sober folks, you can succumb to whatever vice you’ve replaced booze with, go nuts at Cinnabon or whatever).

• No Rules- if you’re flying with kids, they are spoiled brats the entire time your at the airport and in the air. They get whatever they want and they’ll like it. If you’re flying by yourself THAT DAY IS A CHEAT DAY. You are Caligula every desire will be fulfilled.

• Make Friends- There are so many hours, be nice. You never know who you’re going to talk to. I met the President of the University of Minnesota once, and another time an infant fell asleep on my arm while her mom slept, and another time a NASCAR driver and got to go in the pit at the NH Speedway. Don’t force it, but also don’t just headphones your trip away.

Here are my tricks for cars:

• Snacks- make sure you pack all of the things to love, no skimping.

• Music- it can be podcasts too, but make sure you have everything you want to listen to ready to go. Also, it doesn’t always work in the middle of the country, but keep the radio tuned to the lower stations to hear some weird community and college radio. Truly special moments can arise from this. Once, driving on the outskirts of Texas I listened to two brothers roast the Dallas Cowboys and the community of the Dallas/Fort Worth/Arlington area as whole for an hour and half.

If you’re taking the train, yes. This is my preferred way to go. Get a sleeper car and jerk off to your heart’s delight. (Sorry older folks who read this I love you.)

Truth of the matter is, it ain’t easy to do travel. We do it to fulfill our mortal duties and existential necessities.

*Author’s Note: Shout out to John the Drag Racing Coach from the Mason Dixon Dragway, on his way to Cambridge, he bought me a double of Crown Royal as a Christmas gift. Dude rules.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

I’m in Houston till January 2nd, so no shows in the area for a bit. But you should absolutely get your tickets to see The Sort of Late Show on January 19th at Off the Rails. We’ve got The Pike’s Mike Hsu, Kool Aid George, comedian Danya Trommer, and a musical performance from Casket Gonz and friends. ALSO we will be featuring an old favorite of the show “A Nice Little Spot with Donna Connolly.” It is a segment where my mom and I go to a restaurant and talk about how nice it is. It’s amazing. Here’s a previous installment.