Undecided?

They just want a little spotlight on them

Dear Shaun,

My mother is one of those confounding “undecided voters.” I can understand not wanting to vote, and I can understand thinking that your vote doesn’t matter, but to say out loud that you aren’t quite sure who you should vote for just drives me up a wall. Any advice on how to talk to her about this? Even to get her to stop saying to us that she’s undecided?

-Unruly Undecided and Unhappy

Dear Unruly Undecided and Unhappy,

I bet for all intents and purposes your mother is a very nice person. If she wasn’t you wouldn’t even be writing in to talk to me about her, you would have written her off and moved on with your life. But you are pained to have to deal with someone who says that they are undecided in this election.

You have not given me any reasons as to why she is undecided, just that she is. I am assuming that is not because she can’t justify voting for someone who has openly bragged that they will attempt to end US democracy or vote for someone who is a part of an administration that is openly funding a genocide.

It is probably way more folksy like, "Have you seen the price of chicken lately?” or “She’s too pretty to be president.” Your mom is not thinking about the future of our society, your mom is thinking about voting for homecoming king and queen. And you know, in that scenario at least you get to vote for two different people who will rule over the football game and dance or whatever homecoming kings and queens actually do. (If you get crowned either of those titles, do you put it on your college resume? I bet in some instances that means a lot, especially if you’re pledging Greek. LET ME KNOW IN THE COMMENTS!)

I envy your mom. I wish I could hold on to small ideas to figure out big picture issues. This is the evil of democracy. The powers that be make the individual feel complicit in the big disastrous outcome. And on the other side, that if you didn’t vote for it you get to point and laugh and say “I told you so.” It is like how corporations (I’m sorry: people) make us feel bad for not recycling our small amount of waste, yet they are the biggest non-recyclers and at fault for a lot of climate change.

You should hold a gameshow at your mother’s house. Call it “Decided” and have her compete in a series of games and U.S. political trivia questions to help her make her decision. Games could include Hangin’ Chads and she’s to to collect a bunch of pieces of paper that are hanging around the house to make sure each vote counts. Another could be Grab the Pussy and she has to catch the family cat and convince everyone that it’s not assault when she does it. Or another could be Don’t Come and have a relative call asking for money and a place to stay for a bit while they get on their feet and she has to tell that relative to not come over no matter how desperate the situation may be.

This could get her to take it seriously and stop asking for attention. Ultimately that’s what these “undecideds” are doing, right? They just want a little spotlight on them. A little shine on them. Maybe if you just call your mom more and give her a hug and take her out to dinner she’ll get that TLC she requires and stop saying she is undecided. Plus, if you take her out to dinner, that would cut down on her spending so much on chicken.

NEWS

We had such a fun show at Coney Island last week! Thanks to all who showed up. The next one is on October 11th with another great lineup. This Saturday I am actually in town at Wormtown Brewery, featuring for Jan Davidson. You can grab tickets here.

This fall and winter I have some real fun things planned, so stay tuned. Thanks again for reading!