Want a Kid?
Bill here real quick. The four year anniversary of this newsletter is tomorrow. Crazy! To celebrate, I’m rolling out a sweet little 50 percent off deal for a year’s subscription. That’s just $34 bucks! Offer is good until the end of the month.
This newsletter, and its growing roster of columns like Bad Advice, is 100 percent sustained by paying subscribers. We’ve been able to steadily grow our paid subs without paywalling anything, which is tremendous. No one likes a paywall! A paid subscription to Worcester Sucks isn’t about bonus content or exclusive access, it’s an investment in the belief that this city should have an aggressive, irreverent and scrappy local news outlet. The more subscribers, the bigger and better and bolder the outlet. So just think about it will ya?
Now to Shaun…
Dear Shaun,
A couple of weeks ago, you did your famed “Horrorscopes” edition of your column and you asked your son for his answers for everything. You’ve talked about your son in the past, and I actually follow you on Instagram (@sirshaunconnolly), and I see how rewarding parenthood can be. Should I become a parent?
-Maybe a Mother
Dear Maybe a Mother,
Recently, we missed the bedtime routine by 15 minutes because my brother and sister-in-law were over for dinner. That set off a domino effect of calamities that resulted in, among other things, me getting hit, punched, scratched, bit, and screamed in my face. He chucked a Matchbox car across the room so hard it chipped paint, and then he knocked over a cup full of seltzer that nearly shorted our surge protector. This was on Father’s Day. A day wherein my wife said to him, “What do you say to your daddy on this special day?” And my son replied, “Happy Mother’s Day!” My wife then corrected him to say it was Father’s Day and we use today to celebrate your dad. He then said, “No, celebrate me!”
That day, though this is every day no matter what is going on, he moved and lied and ran and cried and pretended and danced and screamed to the point of exhaustion. He doesn’t necessarily nap as much as shuts down at a certain point in the day. Before his battery dies, I’m just on my feet making sure he doesn’t climb on top of our car, throw a golf ball at nearby traffic, chase our dog, eat a penny, or hide silently in a part of the house I’m not thinking of.
Once I was relaxing on the couch and he was surprisingly still, watching a movie with his mom. I was not asleep but resting. Out of the blue I heard him say, “I love you mommy, you are cute and gorgeous.” A very precocious thing for a two-year old to say, but he has been rewarded with doting in the past from that sentiment, so he threw it out again and he got the response he desired. Moments later he says, “Mommy? I don’t love Daddy.”
He has ruined shirts, couches, walls, cars, shoes. He has broken numerous drinking glasses, spilled entire bottles of orange juice. He demands, he connives, he lies, he cheats, he snaps you out of play to tell you that it’s just pretend and you are overacting. He will do something bad just in the hopes that you chase him and then he hates to be caught.
Want my bad advice? Have a kid.
My son is so funny, charming, playful, and smart. All the times I've just written about? I look back on them fondly. He is a three-foot tornado that talks. I will chase that storm no matter where it goes. You’re going to be bruised, tired, and forget to eat sometimes. But it is just a new normal. Every day is a gift to see what new things he has picked up on or asks about. I know one day he will no longer scratch, hit, and bite me and at 13 he’ll say the meanest thing a human has ever said to me and I will still hug him the next morning. Parenthood is a disease and I’m so grateful I caught it.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
I had such a blast at Ralph’s last weekend in all of its chaos. Thanks for coming out. We raised over $3,000 for the Worcester County Food Bank.
This Thursday I am in Clinton at the Sterling St. Brewery for TinyFest. It is a night of comedy, music, dance, and more. There is a lot of talent on this lineup and the beer at Sterling St. is legit, so come on out. You can get tickets here!
Then on Friday we have Andrew Mayer putting on his show that he will be performing at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It is called “Have Fun, Be Yourself” and all reviews from previews so far say that this show is very funny and very good. Come see it now before it’s a smash hit in Scotland! Get those tickets here!!
