What Are You Doing This Weekend?

This is Issue #20 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.

This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Or, in Bostonian, 1.5 Dunkies a month! Thank you! - Bill

Dear Shaun,

A pet peeve of mine is when someone asks me very early in the week what I’m up in the weekend upcoming. Anything after Wednesday is game. I’m just trying to get through the week and not really focused on the near future. If you want to ask me about an upcoming vacation, I’m all in. If you want to ask me how my weekend was? Go for it. If you want to ask me what I’m up to the night of the day we’re in that is also cool. Just, please don’t ask me about my plans 5+ days out, I can barely plan my dinners. Is this unreasonable? Should I have to answer these questions? Or can I focus on the now?

-Planning Pooper

Dear Planning Pooper,

This is not unreasonable. In fact you don’t have to share anything with anyone at any point. With the rise and stability of social media we have coerced into believing that sharing is caring. And while yes, with material goods and wealth, you should share what you don’t need. What you are up to or eating or seeing or kissing or hating is not for everyone’s consumption.

I am currently writing this on the toilet while diarrhea ravages my insides. My stomach, in pain, my bare feet twisting and turn with each contraction of my intestines. There is a damp chill in my house from the weather and it is making the stench of my output hover and stay in my olfactory. I am cursing the food I foolishly ate the night before and forcibly noticing notes of said meal as it wafts into my nose.

See? You didn’t need to read that. Some of you freaks may be into it, not shaming (it is just you’re freaks all the same). What if those were your plans for the weekend ahead? Would that be an appropriate use of time at work to tell a co-worker? What if it is a friend? Do they need to know the ins and outs (mostly outs) of you Saturday late morning into the late evening? No they don’t need to know.

My suggestion though, to get them off their backs. Is send a detailed report of your upcoming Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. Make sure to detail all of the intricacies of your pain, pleasure, mundanity and excitement. List it all. Bathroom breaks, projected amount of times masturbated, if while snacking with your shirt off you licked it off your bare chest. It can be the fun stuff too! If you end up chilling with the nosy friend in question talk about how you feel while hanging, talk about how when your ex comes up you got real sad and daydreamed punching that friend. Explain you wouldn’t act on it, but your daydream has your fist repeatedly bashing their nose in and you enjoy the mixture of snot and blood on your knuckles. Let them know. They asked! Right?

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

I want to thank everyone who came out to Off the Rails last Friday. That shit was so fun and lit a fire in my heart about putting on shows in this city. Say tuned for the next Sort of Late Show!

This Friday WOOtenanny is hosting another comedy show at the Millbury location of Heartland Barber on 81 Elm St. It is going to be very fun, plus there MAY be some free Topo Chico! Hope to see you all there!