What if it's hoarding that brings you joy?
Hold onto that old teddy bear through the long dark night
This column runs on your support! A lot of heavy stuff up this week and more to come. Nice to take a break from all that with some classic Bad Advice. Thank you. —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I wouldn’t say that I’m a hoarder but I definitely have a hard time getting rid of things. Marie Kondo says to only keep things that bring you joy, but a lot of the things I have kept over the years still bring me joy. In a world of digital downloads, I really like having all of my physical stuff. Am I problem? Is there a happy medium?
-Hard Time Hoarding
Dear Hard Time Hoarding,
You are a reader after my own heart. I, too, love physical media. I hate downloading anything. I never remember where I save it, and then I have to re-download it once again. Rarely, if ever, do I buy the thing I already have again. Sometimes I do, when it comes to grocery shopping. I can’t remember if I have paprika, turns out I have two paprikas. That’s fine though, at that point it feels like a lifetime supply of paprika!
There is a trend within the dietary world, where people are just eating goo. That goo has all the nutrients your body needs. So, instead of eating a meal and enjoying it, you are just sucking down a nutrient filled Go-Gurt. This would solve my paprika problem, but it would not solve my ever-lasting quest to calm my soul. If I were sucking down goo for three meals a day, my soul would rage. My soul would harden and eventually fall out of my body in the form of a painful shit. [Note to self: message Columbia Pictures about Ghostbusters reboot wherein the sewers are full of awful stuff, but it is hardened and blackened souls.].
I support your decision to hold onto things. Things have sentimental value. I have my dad’s ashes. I do not know what to do with them. I could scatter them, but I don’t know if that is what he really wanted. And I definitely don’t know if that’s what the public park in Pittsfield, MA would want currently. I have thought about putting them in the basketball that he scored his 1,000 point with in high school, but in all reality that just feels kind of cheesy. I certainly do not want to throw his ashes out, but maybe compost them? Kind of nice to think about them being in the soil that helps grow a tomato plant, and then I eat my dad? Yeah, that is kind of nice.
Anyways, I don’t really know what it is exactly you are holding onto. My guess is that is is books, CDs, DVDs, and newspaper. And under all the newspaper are 12 dead cats. If that is not the case, then I don’t think you are a hoarder and you are actually just cultured. As my imagination wanders, I start to wonder if what you are holding onto are a bunch of stuffed animals and you treat them like family. You acknowledge each one and have family meetings where you talk about who has to do what chores. There is a new teddy bear that isn’t related but need a place to stay for awhile. You really didn’t have the extra space, but you really couldn’t turn him away either. At the dinner table you find yourself noticing that the teddy bear is catching glances of you. One night as your tucking in all of your stuffies, you hold a little longer on this newcomer. There is something in the softness of their fur, the infinity in their black eyes, the flirtatiousness of their sewn on smile. You shouldn’t, but find that you can’t stand up. The next thing you know you are making love. Not having sex, no. You are making love WITH this bear. It is nothing like you’ve ever experienced before. It lasts for hours. As you climax, you realize that the sun is rising. You’ve never felt happier.
So yeah hold onto your new bear and the rest. You’re not hoarder, you’re a lover.
NEWS
I’m going to start to really push this show a lot so buckle up. Anthony Devito is an unbelievable stand-up comic out of New York. You can check out his newest special, Straight Hoopin’ on YouTube. He has been on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, he has been on Comedy Central and he will be at Hunchback Gallery on February 28th at 8PM. Tickets at $15 and you can purchase them here.
