Your family are a bunch of monsters
Gift cards are not a lazy gift, they just don't like you
It’s Bad Advice time! While I’d normally give a plug (beg) here for subscriptions or tips it occurs to me digital gift cards are just as well. Amazon, I’ve gleaned from the least and most righteous people on the internet (scammers and the folks at Anna’s Archive, respectively), makes it easy. Send any and all digital gift cards to billshaner@substack.com. Next week I’ll help you set up your crypto wallets, like any good independent publisher of community news in 2026 would. But really think about whether you like that this outlet exists in your community. —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I have received some feedback from my family that they think my holiday purchases of gift cards for them is “lazy.” I think I am well within my rights to give a gift card. And let me just say, I don’t just give them a Visa gift card or something. I purchase them for very specific interests they have. I just think there is some fun in going to a place with free money and getting exactly what you want, rather then having to feign happiness when your brother or son doesn’t exactly nail it. My dad gets a bookstore gift card, my sister gets a spa gift card, my brother gets a GameStop gift card, my mom gets a gift card to the restaurant she loves. Am I really a lazy brother/son for doing this?
-Grumpy Gifter
Dear Grumpy Gifter,
You are not lazy. Your family are a bunch of monsters. Those ungrateful pieces of shit. How dare they question your abilities? I am deeply offended for you. I think “lazy” is the sugarcoated version of what they really want to say. I think they don’t like you. I think they think less of you. They’re wrong. You know that.
Your dad preferring books is just a status thing, he says. He never read that Truman biography by David McCollough, he just has it and says he did. He’s a fraud. He says he likes to read, when you know if reality he’s sharing AI slop with you on Facebook and he’s shocked to learn every single time when you tell him it is not real. If the guy is so well read how come he can’t determine literal fact from fiction?
Your sister complaining about getting a spa gift card is also nuts. Does she really want her brother to order specific things at the spa for her? She wants her adult brother to order a deep tissue massage for her? How about a wax in her nether region? Yeah? That’s what she wants? Little creepy if you ask me. But sure, go ahead next holiday season give a call ahead. Maybe even order a couple’s massage but it’s you and her. That way it can be extra personal. I would have someone check her search history, because based on these wants and needs she may be into some illegal shit.
Your brother is offended by GameStop gift cards? What is wrong with him? I’m not even a real gamer, but there is nothing worse than getting a game you have no interest in playing. I remember my parents bought us Bubsy 3D. Had never heard of it, and then I played it and it is truly considered one of the worst PlayStation games of all time. That’s what you should get him next year, Bubsy 3D. And no, it has not been updated for newer game consoles. It will be for the PS1 and will essentially be trash. You’re welcome, bro.
And don’t even get me started on your ungrateful mother. A free meal? That’s what you gave her. How many free meals did she give you under the pressure of parental necessity? The LEAST you can do is help buy her one, once in a while. I bet it is to some shitty Italian place that makes her feel fancy, but really when squint your eyes at the place it is just a bunch speed heads cooking sugary tomato sauce in the back, but they use oil for their bread before the meal comes so it feels like they care.
You’re a hero for your work. Cut your family off and come join mine. We welcome your gift cards.
NEWS
Tonight at 8 p.m. its Hot Dog! at Coney Island. The show is as always, FREE. We are passing the torch of the Hot Dog in Resident. Each year we choose one comic to do every show for a year. Last year was Logan O’Brien. Come watch him pass the hot dog torch to Caroline Moore. Caroline is so funny and has previously crushed at Hot Dog, this is going to be a fun year. Poster below:
