August Horrorscopes

Become the top earner on Elbow Licking TikTok

Bill here real quick. Thank you to everyone who came out to Election Squad #1 at Steel and Wire last night. Went way better than we could have hoped! What’s more: Shaun and Katie (selflessly, I gave her mine) are now the proud owners of KENO branded knock-off JBL Bluetooth speakers.

Not going to explain. I did however spend 66 bucks on zines at Staples so please subscribe to this outlet!

Or support us by buying a copy of said zine on the merch store!

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August Horrorscopes

Leo- You and you alone can change your fate. No matter how much you want to blame it on the bartender and how slow they entered your Keno numbers in.

Virgo- You will come into good fortune soon. It most likely will not be money, but may come in the form of a bunch of the jelly jar cups with the Flintstones on them. That’s what I call Dino Dinero!

Libra- You suddenly want to watch new and old clips of Worcester’s Favorite Talk Show, The Sort of Late Show with Shaun Connolly. Luckily you can now.

Scorpio- The New York Times game Spelling Bee has taken a hold of you. You can’t function until you get Queen Bee. You try explaining it to your friends and they don’t know or care. They think you want Beyonce (the only Queen B they recognize). You are isolating yourself. You are at peace.

Sagittarius- Build a pillow fort. Make a new nation. Can I come?

Capricorn- Exploit your secret talent. Money is tight. Become the top earner on Elbow Licking TikTok.

@hannahstockingWho else can lick their elbow? 🧐

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Aquarius- Wear the same outfit every day like a cartoon character. Your life needs consistency. Set expectations for those around you. That way, when you decide to run away and start a new life you’ll never match the description.

Pisces- If you seek new employment consider the carnival barker. It is online trolling, but IRL. Plus a lot of it is seasonal.

Aries- Come over and sit on my new couch. I need to make the expense of it worth it. I will never buy another couch, I intend to die on it. Come sit on it before I die.

Taurus- Your stars and planets are aligning in a way that makes it look like you but with a slightly smaller nose. You don’t mind it. You look to the stars and remind yourself that they are already dead and your nose will fall off your face long after you have perished.

Gemini- Sign up for the microgreens eating contest at the Out To Lunch series on the Worcester Common. Just comment here or email woocomedyweek@gmail.com for more info.

Cancer- Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

This weekend I’ll be hosting a Kilt Wearing Competition at the Ralph’s Rock Diner Renaissance Fair at 2 p.m. Then I’ll be at Off Cabot Comedy Club in Beverly, MA at 8 p.m. You can grab tickets here.

Sunday I’ll be competing in the Worcester Twister Tournament. If you want more info you’ll have to come. It is at 7 p.m. at Steel and Wire. I’ll be competing in matches of Twister against professional wrestlers like CPA and Little Mean Kathleen? Poster below.