Horrorscopes

Pisces You're on My Shit List

This is Issue #12 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.

This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Or, in Bostonian, 1.5 Dunkies a month! Thank you! - Bill

Dear Shaun,

I really enjoyed your Bad Advice from last week. If you aren’t already, you should 100% do that children’s story styled book “If You Give a Sox Fan an Iced Coffee” there’s definitely something there! But I realized that you didn’t do your Horrorscopes for the beginning of September. Would you mind doing them for this week? Thanks!

-In Need of Some Guidance

Dear In Need of Some Guidance,

Sure thing! I really just needed to shamelessly plug my headlining gig at Nick’s Comedy Stop, which was a blast. Thanks to all that came and laughed! Here is this month’s Horrorscopes:

Virgo- Do you know anyone that is hiring? My wife really needs a job, and it would be so cool if you could help us out. If you don’t know of anyone, could she have your job? That would be very kind of you and we’d obviously owe you one. Just wait till she gets settled at your work and then hit us up with that favor. No money, though. We have a kid, you would just be taking food out of our sweet toddler’s mouth. Don’t do that. Thanks!

Libra- Do something dramatic. Act in a play, get in a fight with your significant other or family member, shoot a video of your pet that makes it look like a noir film detective. Zhuzh your life up, dawg.

Scorpio- Okay I know I just keep giving you little field trip assignments, but this one will be good. Do you want to go to Fyre Fest II with me? This isn’t like watch a bad movie by yourself. This is come to a music fest with me your new best friend. Can you buy the passes? I’ll pay you back once Virgo gets my wife a job.

Sagittarius- Strictly jaywalk. No more rules. Run across at your own risk. It will be your new workout plan. Sprint Across the Street. Free and life-changing.

Capricorn- You’ve always wanted to chase storms, weather (eh see what I did here?!?) they are tornadoes, thunderstorms, or hurricanes you’ve felt drawn to them. Go chase them dog.

Aquarius- Let everyone know your passwords, you’ve got nothing to hide.

Pisces- You’re disappointing me lately, I don’t know what has gotten into you. You’re just being kind of a prick a lot of a time. Please go to wherever it is you need to go to center yourself and don’t come back to me for any sort of advice until you’ve got an apology ready for me. Thanks.

Aries- You’re a “per my last email” person. I respect that. You don’t take no shit from no one. Could you talk to Pisces for me? It really doesn’t seem like they get it. I got you next month, if you could just do me this solid.

Taurus- It’s your turn to give me something. All you do is take!

Gemini- You know those Disney movies where Kevin Costner is a washed up baseball player who never got his real shot at the Major Leagues and his baseball team convinces him to try out and go for the glory? You should do this, but go for first chair viola for the Boston Symphony Orchestra. I believe in you.

Cancer- Chew gum, live forever.

Leo- I think I have given this gem out before, but I will do it again because I stand by it: become a snake person. Carry that snake around your shoulders and take a walk downtown. Eventually you can start charging people to take pictures with you and the snake or to hold it. You’ll be a hundredaire soon!

That’s it this month! Heed these horoscopes wisely and live your dang life!

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

I’ll be at Tasty Burger in the Garage at Harvard Square for two shows this Friday at 8 & 10. You can get tickets here.

As far as WOOtenanny shows are concerned, we have two very fun ones coming up in October. On 10/12 we have Tawanda Gona he used to write for Desus and Mero, among other things and is just hilarious. Then we have David Gborie (My Momma Told Me, All Fantasy Everything) on 10/29 and that is getting close to selling out! Get your tickets to both shows here!

Talk soon!