Bad Advice “Horrorscopes” editions have their own cult following among all you lovely readers which is great. If you’re one of Shaun’s cultists, consider throwing this outlet some money so this outlet has an easier time paying Shaun and thus keeping him in his Pope-like role over said cult. Also Happy New Year! —Bill
For this round of Horrorscopes I’m going to give you your resolutions for you. No need to wrack your brain, I got you. Happy New Year!
Horrorscopes
Capricorn- Start moisturizing, you’re dry as hell.
Aquarius- You’ve been trying to find a hobby and nothing has stuck. This year, give up. No more hobbies. Just do the most toxic thing you do. That’s your hobby now. Drink? One more please. Gossip? Spill the tea. Fight? You gotta catch me first. 202-Tox-6.
Pisces- Just start lying. Exaggerate your whole life. Tell little white lies for some social clout. Lie on your taxes. Lie on a date. Lie in a job interview. Lie down and relax. Just keep on lying.
Aries- Follow up and make your parasocial relationships a full-blown, honest-to-goodness relationship. That podcast host would totally laugh at your jokes if you two were in the same room. If that room is the walk-in closet, so be it. The authorities may call it “stalking” but I call it getting to know your friends better.
Taurus- Technology is really bumming you out. The only way you contact people is via postcard. You’re going to be so organized once you have to plan a week in advance to “go get coffee.” Plus your messages are going to look so cute!
Gemini- Lose weight or gain weight, but don’t you dare maintain. You must move to an extreme!
Cancer- Quit drinking. Not just alcohol if that is your persuasion. I mean all drinking. You can get hydrated in the shower.
Leo- Learn a musical instrument. If you already play one, learn another. If don’t, it seems elementary schools love teaching the recorder first. Once you can play “Hot Cross Buns” you’ll be shredding “Stairway to Heaven” in no time. So proud of you.
[Ed. note: Remember the guy shredding the recorder in traffic?
Never forget.]
Virgo- Run for office. It doesn’t have to be a municipal election. It could be for a board of a community organization, or it could be for head of household within your own family. You could also make up a position and see if someone else will run against you. Looking forward to your lawn signs for “President of the Dog Park.”
Libra- You are auditioning for American Idol. Yes, it is still a show and you’re going to be a star.
Scorpio- Time for a name change. Let’s be honest, whatever you’ve been going by at this point has gotten real stale. Time to spice it up!
Sagittarius- Stay the fuck out my business.
NEWS
Tonight I’m on both shows at The Comedy Studio. For tickets to any of those shows visit their website. Hope to see you at a show soon!