July Horrorscopes
Your parasocial relationship with the cast of 'Below Deck' is normal actually
Hey all, Bill here real quick. Shaun’s monthly “Horrorscopes” column is both my father’s and girlfriend’s favorite feature of this outlet, much to my chagrin. They can say otherwise all they want I know it’s the truth. Metrics say they’re not alone!
Personally I don’t care for them. (Astrology is an elaborate ruse concocted to shit on people born in June.) But hey: something for everyone! Just like the real alt weeklies of old we’re modeling here. Like all the other work in this outlet, Horrorscopes are bought and paid for by Worcester Sucks subscribers. Each one gets us closer to our alt-weekly dreams. Just $5 a month!
July Horrorscopes
Cancer- I have a rose bush in my front yard, next to the driveway. I do nearly nothing to help maintain it except trimming its branches. A whip-poor-will family has nested inside it and there are three baby birds in a nest. They are exhausted and they are hungry. Their parents are in a state of constant fear every time we get out of our car. They scream and dive-bomb at us. As I type, I can hear their tiny chirps calling for more food. But if I go out I will be yelled at by the birds to get away. In my interactions with this family, there’s a metaphor for our lives on social media. You figure it out.
Leo- You’ll find that you have a new talent at playing Solitaire. You are actually a savant at it. Someone will happen to notice you playing by yourself at a coffee shop. They’ll be in utter shock at how fast you’re able to finish each game no matter who shuffles the deck and how it is done. Alas, you’re still all by yourself when you play. And everyone knows it is no fun to watch someone play Solitaire. Forever alone.
Virgo- You’ll soon take an interest in your friends’ love lives. Before you were passively interested, but now you’re invested. And yes your friends can also be your parasocial relationship with the cast of “Below Deck” which just so happens to be a show you have binged.
Libra- Remember Dunkaroos? Go eat one.
Scorpio- Even though Pride Month is over, never put down your pride flag. If ‘Back the Blue’ guys don’t have to put theirs down, neither should you. If they say anything tell them to shove their Thin Blue Line up their ass.
Sagittarius- Happy Fiscal New Year! Did you get all your reports in? The boss is going to be so mad if you don’t. Corporations are people, which means people are corporations! You have to answer to your investors (financially and emotionally!)
Capricorn- A running joke is that feet pics sell well on the internet. Could you sell mine for me? Where do I sell them? Do I set up an Etsy?
Aquarius- If we start taking everything literally as a society we may get back to normal. Things started going off the rails… Davin, stop. Stop it.
Pisces- My son is currently throwing stress balls at me as I type, which is just a cherry on top of the situation. I need a babysitter.
Aries- Stop using your smartphone. Start using tin cans and only talk to your neighbors. The government can’t listen in to a can on a wire! While you’re at it, stop using your card and only pay for things with gold bars!
Taurus- Don’t pay with anything using gold bars, crypto is the future. (If this fails see Aries).
Gemini- [See July’s Horrorscopes from last year and make it opposite.]
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
Stand up is pretty much non-existent this week. And what a time to feel patriotic! Later this month WOOtenanny is putting on two great fundraising show for two great candidates! On July 12th at Hunchback Gallery come on out and give some money to Councilor-At-Large candidate Cayden Davis! Then on July 17th outside at Ralph’s you can support District 2 candidate Rob Bilotta! You’ll find both posters below!
