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Oh one more thing there are ~5 new previously sold-out I LEARNED TO KILL IN KELLEY SQUARE bumper stickers in the merch store (and if you’re waiting for one you’ll have it soon).
Dear Shaun,
I’m on vacation in Maine with my family and in-laws. Growing up, my family was not a “cards” family. We didn’t play pitch or hearts or even poker. We played Scrabble like the literate family we are. When I am up here with my otherwise wonderful additional family, I feel on the outskirts. While I have learned the games, I regularly feel uncomfortable with all of the rules, and with the judgment I will receive from a father-in-law or sister-in-law. Even my nieces and nephews who have lived on this earth less than I, have more of a familiarity around the table. Should I suck it up, or just not play?
-Not in the Cards
Dear Not in the Cards,
Not only have you outed yourself as a mark, you are proving yourself to be un-American. There is nothing more American than being deceptive, having a bunch of complicated rules to a certain system, and marginalizing those who want to learn but are still unfamiliar. In a time when we all need to be more American, I am saddened by your weakness.
Is there any more socialist behavior than Scrabble? Creating words by pulling letters from a communal bag? Allowing everyone to take a turn? No money exchanged? A lazy Susan board? The letter Q is worth 10?!? Scrabble was designed to help to promote learning and to show off your vocabulary, two concepts embraced by the liberal elite. Cards are not condescending to anyone, they are a simple capitalist system. If you can count you can play. If you can cheat, even better. Scrabble is at once a handout and hierarchical system meant to keep Joe Schmo out. “Yes, we’ll give you those letters and once you use them you’ll get more.” There’s one problem, at some point the letters run out. You know what happens in card games? They go right back in the deck to be used again: That’s a trickle-down system.
In Scrabble, the rules are laid out. There is no ambiguity to how to play. That’s not a free market. Sometimes, you’re stuck with a Z. Sometimes you have a Q for an entire game and never get a U. That’s no way to live your life. In cards, you can lie to someone about what you have, and give them the card you don’t want. You can discard something so that your enemy gets it. You can make false plays to lull your opponent into submission only to put down the winning hand. That’s the American way.
Listen (sorry, I know that verb is tough to read considering the news recently), you have got to mold yourself to your spouse’s family. You have to pull yourself up, work harder than your in-laws just to get yourself to the same level as them despite their inheritance and status in the world. You have to forget those letters and start crunching the numbers. Then and only then will you be loved and fully embrace your self worth.
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NEWS
I know, I know, I’ve been complaining to you all month about how I haven’t had a bunch of shows. But things are picking up again! Tonight I’m in Fitchburg at the Boulder Cafe. You can get tickets here. Then, Saturday I’m on a 420-friendly comedy show at a secret location near the aquarium. More info on how to see that here.
WOOtenanny is cooking up some great stuff for the end of summer with two great shows in August. On August 2nd, we have Ahmed Bharoocha (Conan). I started with Ahmed years ago and he’s been killing it out in LA for a while, so I’m personally very excited to have him back here.Get your tickets here. ALSO, we have a special crossover show where we are combining Hot Dog! and The Sort of Late Show. This is a special one to help kick off the Worcester Hot Dog Safari. There’s going to be some great gags and very fun surprises. You won’t want to miss it. Get tickets now!