Make Like A Pine Tree and Needle Them
Bill here (Worcester Sucks dirtbag-in-chief) with a quick note before we get to Shaun’s terrible column.
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Now to Shaun!
My roommates put up a Christmas tree in our apartment two days before Thanksgiving. I’m writing to you on the Monday after Thanksgiving and I still think it is too early to put it up. Part of my issue with this is from a traditional stand point, meaning there should be a time to put up your tree and that is the first week of December. The other part is I work from home and it is mainly my job to water the tree. I don’t even want to have the tree up now! What do you think I should do?
-O, Tannen-come on
Dear O, Tannen-come on,
You, are a Grinch. I’m not yucking your yum, just calling it like I see it. In my world, if you want to keep your tree up year round, go for it. An agent of chaos comes in many shades and in this case interior designs. I know that in the case of keeping a tree up year round is when there is a fake one and you don’t have to water it, but you wanna talk chaos? Keeping a dead tree up fully decorated and watering every 2-3 days is the kind of energy I’m searching out.
So to keep your Grinchiness alive you must sabotage your roommates’ holiday. Feed the tree Coke Zero. Cut the top of it off and leave it in their bed like the Godfather with that horse head. Say that you want to decorate more traditionally and put those little candles on it, risking a fire. Hell, buy some sex toys on the cheap and hang them with care. If this tree is going to be there without your consent than you will have it exist on your terms.
Now, I expect that your roommate will push back on your attempts to sabotage. Zig where they zag. Get more trees. Put a tree in every room. Make your apartment a forest. If they like one tree, they must like ALL OF THE TREES. Then, and I may be taking it too far here. But you can hunt them in the forest. Make it your own personal The Most Dangerous Game. Bring everyone together this Christmas, even if that means your roommates are huddled in a corner and your dressed in a Safari outfit hunting them with a crossbow.
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I headlined at a very fun show in East Providence on Tuesday at a very cool bar called Myrtle. My friend Tommy runs the bar, you should go if you’re ever in the area or just want someplace new.
This Saturday I’ll be at a fantastic show in Boston called The Mendoza Line at the Dugout Cafe. You can get tickets here.
Next Friday we are doing a very special Holiday version of our long running show Hot Dog! at George’s Coney Island. Bryan O’Donnell co-hosts this show with me and it is a hoot. Comics spin a wheel and then find out what kind of set they’ll have, it gets real bonkers and based on the ideas we have come up with so far, this show will not disappoint.